Welcome to the Hotel Mom

The Hotel Mom is a full-service, extended-stay lodging facility. Kids 18 and under stay free, eat free and receive free transportation to and from school, athletic events, play dates and expensive trips to the mall.

What makes the Hotel Mom different from your average extended-stay hotel is its superior attention to customer satisfaction. We go above and beyond what needs to be done to make our guests happy. We never seem to exceed or even meet their expectations, but we understand they realize how good they had it 15-20 years after they leave.

The pampering begins the moment you set foot in the foyer, where our hostess/concierge/cook/driver/maid/laundress greets you with open arms. Join us in the TV room every weekday from 3:30-4:45 p.m. for an after-school grazing session, during which time you can ask--no, demand--to have a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich (crust cut off but on the side), a bowl of Cheeze-Its, a fudge bar, a bowl of cereal with milk and a glass of water brought to you one at a time.

We understand how tired you are after a long day of school or play, so we'll be happy to run up to your room--five or six times in a row!--to get things you say you need but are too tired to climb the stairs to get. Our hostess/concierge/cook/driver/maid/laundress has built up a tolerance to running up and down the stairs, as she does it all day long.

The Hotel Mom offers free homework assistance. This includes a repetitive, annoying, yet caring reminder that it's time to do your homework. Please ignore this reminder until the helper (who is also the hostess, concierge, etc.) shouts it in such a strained and frantic tone that you're sure one of her eyeballs will pop out of her head.

Dawdling is expected when it comes to homework. There's no reason why you should finish your math assignment in a half-hour so that you could then move onto playing and our cook could move on to making dinner. It's much more fun (at least for you) if you put down your pencil several times for bathroom breaks, water breaks and staring-out-the-window-doing-nothing breaks.

Please know that as exasperated as our homework helper will be by the end of this tormented session, she will also be extremely pleased with how smart you're becoming and thankful that you took after your father in math.

Dinner's on! Only 45 minutes later than expected (not at all because you took so long with your homework), this gourmet feast will feature just about everything our cook can think of to satisfy each picky eater at the table. While the father joyfully digs into whatever is presented to him, it is your responsibility to request the one or two things that the cook has neglected to put on the table. Of course she should know that you'd like a ketchup sandwich for dinner instead of the pork tenderloin she carefully seasoned and roasted. Special orders do not upset us! And even if they do, we will still get them for you. Just ignore the steam coming out of the cook's ears and keep on requesting special items!

With dinner over, it's time to enjoy the many activities available to you around the Hotel Mom. These include swimming, baseball, soccer, volleyball, basketball, gymnastics and dance. We prefer if each member of your party is interested in a different activity. This gives our hostess extraordinaire an opportunity to see as much of the area as possible without ever stopping to admire anything.

We apologize if sometimes your favorite leotard isn't washed or if you have to play football without your protective cup; occasionally our hostess extraordinaire loses steam in the middle of the day. She will make it up to you, though, with a quick trip through the drive through of Dunkin' Donuts or Dairy Queen for a chocolate donut with rainbow sprinkles or a vanilla soft serve dipped in chocolate.

There is so much to see and do in our fair city, and we would consider it an honor if you would allow us to drive you around to experience it all. There's not a playground within a ten-mile radius that we don't know about, nor a McDonald's, a Burger King or a Wendy's. We'll even go to all three if each member of your party would like a different kids' meal toy! There are also swimming pools, beaches, driving ranges, parks and nature centers that your hostess extraordinaire will actually enjoy as much as you.

At the end of the day, it's time to unwind in your own private suite. Our very special turn-down service at the Hotel Mom includes unlimited book reading and free refills on water! By special request, kids ten and under can have the hostess extraordinaire cuddle with them until they fall asleep. Don't be surprised if she is still there at 1 in the morning, though. She has been doing this for so long that she doesn't remember what her own bed looks like.

Never fear, because our hostess is an early riser, and by 6 a.m. she will be back at it, cleaning and tidying up so that the whole place can come unraveled again in a matter of minutes. Don't worry, she doesn't mind... no matter how loud she yells.

One thing to keep in mind when staying at the Hotel Mom: Our hostess extraordinaire does a lot of eye-rolling, door-slamming and hair-pulling (always her own). All of this is completely natural and almost always disappears the moment she receives a hug, a cute note or a sweet comment from one of her guests. No matter how much grousing she does, remember that our hostess extraordinaire loves every moment of her day because she is able to watch her young guests grow into beautiful, mature people. This makes it all worthwhile, and it's the reason why we say...

"Enjoy your stay at the Hotel Mom. It's a pleasure to have you here."